today i became a legal guardian

yes. it may seem strange to those of you who know me. it may seem strange... after watching me and neela plan, conceive, prepare for, and love our little girl... it may seem strange to know that until around 1:30 this afternoon i was a legal stranger to her.
but today we signed all the affidavits and other stuff we needed to sign, at which time i became her legal guardian.
and in a few weeks, i will become her legal, inalienable, parent.
not only is it strange to me, it's frustrating.
it's a ridiculous system that doesn't see a family right in front of its face, that sees only biology.
but i'm choosing to celebrate this, i guess. today ella and i became closer. it may seem like nothing to some people, even to neela, but to me its extremely significant.

outdoors?

yes. ella had her first outing today. and it was a biggie! we left the house around 11:00 and didn't get home til 5-ish!
we had to take neela in to see the mom care doctor, because she's having a pain in the midsection, and had some pretty nasty clots. so we did. then we had to go to the bloodwork lab. then the ultrasound lab. then to london drugs to buy a breast pump and other assorted items.
like i said, it was a big trip!
btw, neela is fine. they are just running tests to be sure. she may have an ovarian cyst. poor babe.
ella was amazing! she never cried the whole time we were out. she ate lunch at her mommy's breast at the bloodwork clinic without any fuss. and, she attracted quite a few admirers everywhere we went.
... zzz. sleepy.

so much to say!

everything is so new, it's hard to know what to say. ella is a wonderful baby. she is very good at sucking (especially at mommy's boob) and is very alert and sleeps really well. last night, amazingly enough, she let her mommies sleep for 3 hours and then for 4 hours! we feel very refreshed!
today ella had her first bath! she smells really good now!
she's already been invited to join a lesbian moms playgroup!
that's all for now.

Ella Marie Thorsen-Bell

Neela gave birth on Friday evening at 6:20 pm while I stood in awe of her strength and endurance. It was a marathon, with an incredible reward at the end:
our darling girl, Ella Marie Thorsen-Bell!
She was 7 pounds 13 ounces, exactly the same weight as her cousin Sara!
She was 19 inches long.
Her first minutes were a flurry of activity as a pediatric team checked her out. She had some meconium and they needed to check she hadn't inhaled or swallowed it. They pronounced her an 8 on the apgar scale and the doc said it wouldn't be more than a few minutes before she perked up to a 10. After all, she was stuck in that birth canal for over two hours!
We are ecstatic, tired, and in love with Ella. She's wonderful so far. Sleeping wonderfully, alert, and gorgeous!
Her grandma and grandpa Bell as well as her auntie Lisa and uncle Mike and cousin Sara were waiting for her in the waiting room when she arrived. Grandma Thorsen will arrive tomorrow. Uncle Brody and auntie Tara will be here in a few weeks to see her too.
She has already had a tonne of visitors, but would happily welcome more. She's a very gracious host - often opening her blue eyes to peer out at the world and seldom shrieking! Auntie Regan, auntie Leslie, aunt Laurelie, friend MP and Mark, cousins Scott and Cindy and Mykelti and Brydon came - as well as Mykelti's friend Kira, and Cindy's cousin Chris. Her neighbour Terry popped in on her too!
We came home on Sunday afternoon and she is very happy to be in her very own room in her very own house, with her loving mommies!

coldest day of the year

let's hope today was the coldest day of the year. cuz my car wouldn't start... something must be wrong with my extension cord, cuz it was definitely plugged in.
woke up, got ready, went out, discovered car was frozen solid. then proceeded to panic that neela was going to go into labour immediately.
and then neela told me she'd passed the rest of the mucous plug.
and that she had a backache.
and that she felt like she had cramps.
but then nothing. so i went to work. and still nothing happened.
nothing.
sigh.
i'm irritable.
i'm sure it'll pass.
oh ya! i made neela an appointment with the acupuncturist. the one who supposedly has an 80 % success rate for inducing labour. cross your fingers!

ani nah

you know when you're about to make a big life change... like moving to another country, or starting a new job, or getting married, or... having a baby... you just can't go through the motions of regular life in the hours and days before that change is imminent. i just can't go through the motions. i don't care about work. i don't care about laundry. i just want to be a mommy.
so instead of my own thoughts, i'm borrowing this poem, written by a friend of mine:
-
she stays the night awake
often attentive
from changing to feeding to cradling to humming
she wanders into the room quietly
to check on the child sound asleep
her presence fills the room
o she is ani nah
-
leaning ever so gently
over the child coughing
how many times she comes by
in the night to pull up the blankets
over the sleeping child
over the years
ani nah
-
the number of her footprints unknown
awaited often is her baking, her sewing,
her preserved berries
a rare treat, her bannock, her blankets
she is growing beyond her years
her hair is getting thin with grey
-
wisdom speaks from the heart that greets
another small child's hands to cradle
yet another tiny hand
o they grow fast she smiles
o ani nah...
-
i look at the tiny spark of light flickering in her eyes
i cradled this bundle
in my now wrinkled hands
it is
motherhood
-Molly Chisaakay
(ani nah means mother in the Dené Tha' language)

nada

nothing is happening!
i seem to be riddled with anxiety over this. i will work on calming down about the whole thing. just wait for it to happen. all in good time.
whatever.
just thought i'd post in case anyone interpreted lack of posting as us being busy doing something other than sitting around the house waiting.

this might be too graphic for you

the mucous plug has begun to disintegrate and pass!
and neela had a contraction today. or a tightening. or whatever you call it. just one, but still.
yes, this is exciting news indeed. it sounds like things might be beginning to happen!
i don't know what else to say. i'm too sleepy.

letting nature take its course

boy, you sure come across some heavy opposition when you suggest that you are going to try things to get the ball rolling!
i can't believe how many times we've heard "no! just let nature take its course!"
i mean, it's not like we're suggesting that we buy some pitocin on the underground market! we're talking about pressing on a acupressure point, eating spicy foods, taking a long walk...
anyway, i'm not complaining, i just find it interesting how everyone in the world has such strong views on everything to do with babies.
as you may have guessed, no action today.
maybe i'll post some pics of the baby's room to amuse myself.

umm, we're still waiting...

i took neela for a long walk in the cold last night, hoping that a little jiggle in the walk would shake that baby right out. but no luck. no news today. no baby neither.
tonight we decided to shop for a few baby books. after all, if we're going to read to baby every night, we'll need to start somewhere right? well, actually, i started quite some time ago, buying books for baby. i wanted to make sure we had a lot of gay and lesbian-friendly stories for our little one to hear and read, so that they would know they are not the only one who has two mommies instead of a mommy and a daddy. so for months i have been searching and buying online books like "heather has two mommies," and "mom and mum are getting married," and "king and king," "asha's mums," "one dad, two dads, brown dads, blue dads," "best best colors," and "who's in a family." and they are all great. but today we decided we needed to get some of those lovely squishy cloth books that baby can chew on and squish up and throw up on. i think we got some good ones.
neela picked out one of her faves in padded plastic, "one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish." she also picked out her all-time fave - "i love you this much" - which is not baby-proof, but so what.
we already have my all-time favourite book from when i was a little girl, 'cause my momma bought it for me at a library sale a few years ago. "do baby bears sit in chairs?" is awesome! apparently when i was three years old i memorized it and knew when to turn the pages so mom told auntie bert that i could read and i recited the whole thing, turning pages on cue, impressing her all to hell, until the very last page when i missed one.

the last pre-natal appointment?

could it be? could today have been the last pre-natal appointment? probably not, since the next one is scheduled for monday! but, maybe!
today the doc said neela's cervix has begun to soften, that the baby's head is engaged - that's stuck down in her pelvis, pushing - and that her cervix is about 1.5 cm dilated. these are all good things. and none of them indicate whether the baby will come tomorrow, the next day, or next week!
today's mom care doc was dr. salvalaggio, but we had her resident instead, whose name i forget, but i think it might be dr. zhang. today was her last day of residency, tomorrow she's a full-fledged practicing doctor at the clinic. good for her - we like her a lot.
are we counting down the days? minutes? or are we settling into a strange complacency that is almost in denial that a b.a.b.y. is coming, soon?

not yet

we're about to become two new mommies. every day i've been leaning on the baby (well, the belly) and pleading "come out! we want to see you!" but for the last three days i've been pleading with the belly "don't come out!!" because i'm sick. with a hideous flu. i've been trapped in hideous bed for 3 days, crawling only to the bathroom and back. and avoiding neela. hoping to not get her sick.
worrying that the baby will come and i won't be able to be there, which would not only be very difficult for neela, but devastating to me.
but this evening i had some solids. and they seem to be processing. this is a good sign.
so soon, we will become two new mommies. neela can't wait for the baby to come out now. before, she was afraid of the birth, the labour, the pain. now, though, she's so tired and uncomfortable that she just says "get out of me!"
it's exciting. mind boggling. soon, our lives will be utterly altered. it's not the first time my life has been utterly altered, but still, it's definitely the BIGGEST change ever. i'm sure i'll miss our old life - it's good. but i can't wait for our new one. our new baby-life.
soon!